The Story of Conjunctivitis

I came down with conjunctivitis a few days ago. The onset was rapid. The day before, there was just mild itchiness and by night time, there was severe redness and swelling. And it was very painful. Tears were flowing freely. I was in suffering. And because of the feeling of suffering, I knew that I was believing an untrue story that my mind was telling me. I searched for the thought that was untrue. It was difficult, because, the pain and suffering was overbearing. I could not find a single clear thought that I was believing in that might attribute to this suffering. I allowed myself to feel the pain in its fullness. I suspect that there was an unconscious thought that I do not want this pain. And so, I did the turnaround "I accept this pain" and I tested the turnaround against the feeling of pain and felt the pain fully. And quite amazingly, the pain stopped being a suffering! The pain was still there, but it was not a problem, it was ok! I then went to sleep with that acceptance of the pain.

I sense that there were two ways that I could relieve pain. The first was to disown the pain. I was aware that I am here and the pain is there - i.e. the pain is not mine. I am that which is aware of the pain. But, somehow, I feel that this method is not quite right, since, the suffering comes back when I step back into life. The second method was to embrace the pain without resistance - and I believe this is what all the Advaita teachers, including Byron Katie advocate. And I sense that it is a truer reflection of reality. In reality, there is no one who is aware of the pain, there is only pain. Whenever there is someone who is aware of the pain, it is the ego - which is denying and resisting the pain. When I do the turnaround, "I accept this pain", the ego which is "I" disappers - there is no one left to resist it - and hence no suffering.

I awoke a few times in the night with suffering and each time, the turnaround arose "I accept this pain", or, "This pain is OK", and sometimes "This is OK". Each time there was a resistance to the pain, the turnaround neutralized it and removed the suffering. I could sense that, if I entertained thoughts like "I wish this pain to go away", or, "I hope to be well soon", that caused a lot more pain. On the other hand, if, I allowed the pain to be, by the thoughts like "I accept this", "It is OK", the suffering vanishes. I seem to merge into the pain and become one with it - and there was no suffering - just a peace.

The next morning, my eyelids were glued shut by thick yellowish discharge. I groped my way to the toilet and dabbed water and waited a few minutes before I could open my eyes. The eyelids were badly swollen. The pain was intense as I tried to open my eyes. The turnaround came quite quickly "I accept this pain, it is OK". That immediately removed resistance to the pain. Over the course of 2 days, I developed fever and body aches and each time there was suffering, the turnaround arises automatically "I accept this pain" and the thought is compared with the feeling and that cause the suffering to go away. It is the thought merging into the feeling.

The technique is, look for a turnaround, feel it. If the suffering is still there then, it is the wrong one. Look for another turnaround, and feel it again. If the suffering vanishes, then you have found the right turnaround. For me, this works well for unconcious beliefs - in those situations where the stressful thoughts are not so clear.