The stories I tell myself

I tell stories about myself and my world
Unless I question the stories (thoughts), I would believe them
And when I believe my stories, I am imprisoned by them
But when I question my stories, I am as free as a bird



Below are some famous quotations about the stories we tell ourselves.


"We are disturbed not by events but the views which we take of them"
-Epictetus

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so"
- Shakespeare

"it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing"
-Shakespeare

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players"

-Shakespeare

The Story of Herbal Soup in Eye

I am working on my PC writing some program. Suddenly I notice that the vision in my left eye is blurred. I then remembered that during dinner time, I had accidentally splashed chicken herbal soup into my left eye. I had washed and rinsed the left eye yet there was persistent blurring of vision.

I can sense the arising of stressful thoughts. I do not know what the contents of the thoughts are except that they are all stressful. They are all so subtle yet I am fully aware of their arising. And effortlessly and magically they just vanished. As with all other occasions, a hearty laugh erupted from the depths of my being. What joy and ecstasy!

A Mosquito Interlude

I am doing some C# Programming on the PC. Earlier, I had gone to Tesco and had bought a new PS2 Game entitled "Mr Mosquito" for my younger kid - after he had choosen it from the catalog.
Later, at home he had refused to play it - maybe fear or some other unknown reason. As I now type on my program on the PC, I could sense a pang of regretful thoughts just about to hit the surface of consciousness.

Miraculously, it just evaporated! And a hearty laugh burst forth! Followed by a warm embrace of great joy.

At that point, I was pitiful for those people who actually would sink deep into despair and depression after entertaining such self-defeating thoughts... What a shame... Freedom is so close at hand yet so far away... for almost everyone that I know...

I have come a long way since I first started with Byron Katie's TheWork sometime in the early part of 2007. When, I first came upon The Work, actually had to write out all the stressful thoughts and go through the 4 questions and turnaround.

Little by little, without even being conscious of it, the process became internalized. I really did not keep track of the unconcious but gradual process whereby my mind became more and more resistant to stresful thoughts.

Byron Katie is so right, when she says that after practising the Work for a long period of time, one will come to the stage where, one can actually just laugh at the antics of one's silly thoughts.

And for me, I have reached such a state.... My mind has already broken its addiction to believing in the lies conjured by thoughts. It is now sooo rooted in the state of being free... so much so, that even a trace of stressful thought is automatically discarded without an iota of effort!

A Toilet Enlightenment

The time is about 9.30 pm. I am at home. I step into the toilet and begin to urinate into the toilet bowl. There is a rumbling of some thoughts just beneath the surface of consciousness. Thoughts about the day's activities were just beginning to break the ice. All of these thoughts are stressful stories: "I shouldn't have written that email...", "I should have remained impartial..", "I should not have gotten involved...", "What will they think of me..."....

Quite unexpectedly, I burst out laughing! The laughter was so intense... and my family members must have heard it as well. It was a most amazing experience. My mind simply refuses to believe the stories that the thoughts were weaving together.

In that very instant, I saw without a shadow of a doubt (as in previous occasions) that all suffering is caused by unquestionably believing the stories that the thoughts tell. I saw , as clearly as the difference between night-and-day, that I was essentially already free and full of joy - that the stories are so childish and immature - how could I, or, anyone ever believe the stories that their minds tell them...

It is with great incredulity that I now look upon myself and others and how so ignorant we are about what is so blindingly obvious... that we actually (in complete ignorance) actually can believe the stories that the thoughts tell us!

I then recall that for the past few weeks, laughter had also erupted without warning. Sometimes I would just smile and sometimes I would just laugh out loud and shake my head in amazement at my ignorance... and the ignorance of my friends, colleagues, family and the people around me...


When thoughts arise in me: "I feel upset, I am angry about....", "People should not..." , "I must not..", I just feel like bursting out laughing.. I am simply amazed... how could people not see that they are insanely and masochistically inflicting suffering on themselves by believing the stories? How could people actually not see what is so obvious? All they need to do is toggle the switch and be instantly free. Just see that it is the story which hurts them, nothing else. Reality is completely devoid of adjectives.

I saw then that everyone I know is asleep... in painful dreams borne out of stories which they created and ignorantly believe in.

And I remember that I used to be like that. Well, I guess some people are so addicted to their stories... what can I say... but simply to laugh out loud [laughing]...

A Car Accident Which I am Grateful For

This incident happened sometime in August.

It was lunch break and I left the office. I walked to the carpark, entered my car which was reversed-parked beside a row of pine trees. There was a car on my left and another one with a large behind on my right and it was obstructing my view. After casting a glance to my left and right, I drove out of the parking lot - and suddenly, crashed into the left rear section of a black car which appeared out of nowhere! Apparently, it was speeding past from right to left and was not there when I looked earlier.

I alighted and so did the other driver whom I immediately recognized to be John - one of my previous students in my Engineering Class. The left rear door and body of his car was quite badly dented. As for my car, the whole front bumper was hanging on its hinges. The right and left headlights was broken to pieces and scatterred on the road.

I could sense some very stressful thoughts just about to surface - and I instinctively knew that if I entertained them, I would plunge immediately into the bottomless pit of despair, regret, self-loathing and probably anger. But to my amazement, the thoughts never surfaced! Instead, the opposite thoughts (turnaround) surfaced - "What happened should have happened - because it did..." It was so spontaneous and subtle that it was felt rather than heard inwardly. I did not feel even a tinge of stress or regret over the accident.

At that point, I knew once and for all that I had achieved the permanent state of impertubability. It was as though, no events, no matter how bad others perceive it, could ever ever disturb me.

I later had to pay $700 to John and $1200 to my mechanic for the repairs - and this came at a time when I barely had money to buy myself lunch. Somehow, nature had managed to find a resource somewhere and the money came almost seemingly out of some reserves which I never expected.

This car accident was a significant event for me - it sort of confirms once and for all that sufferring for me - had ended. There was no doubt in my mind. Even if there were to be stressful thoughts in future, I know there and then, that my mind would almost instantaneously see the lies in them.

Once the snake has been recognized as a rope, it was impossible to believe otherwise. Incredible!

Lunch Error

It is a Saturday and on Saturdays I finish work at 1 pm. I had left the office earlier and had already fetched my son to tuition class. I was in Tesco doing some shopping. The time was around 3 pm. I felt hungry and remembered that I had totally skipped lunch. I walked to the Tesco food court and approached a Roti Canai shop. I asked for murtabak dish and was told that they had not prepared it yet. I felt a little disappointed. I was feeling hungry, and so I looked around for other delicious alternatives. But could not find anything appealing.

Suddenly, I remembered that at around 12.30 pm. while I was in college (my workplace), I had already had a packet of fried beehoon-mee for lunch! Immediately, my hunger vanished! I no longer felt hungry!

Amazing, how believing in my false thoughts could actually make me feel hungry. When I thought that I hadn't had lunch, I was anxious to find something nice to eat, but when I realize that I had actually already had my lunch, all anxiety evaporated!

Turnaround is truer - when it is felt to be less painful

It was around 8.35 am and I need to punch-in for work at 9 am. Meanwhile, I had to drop my 4-year old son at my in-laws. I knew that I probably won't be able to make in to work on time. It was very stressful. I rushed to the lift and rushed to the car-park on the 4th level of the multi-level carpark on my condominium, with my son tagging behind slowly. I got into the car and prepared to race all the way to my in-laws' place. There was much suffering in all this.



Then, I examined my underlying belief. Why do I have to punch-in for work at 9am. Because I assumed that I need to. Then the thoughts "Is that true" was felt, rather than thought. It was spontaneous and I was not even aware of it, until now while writing this blog. The answer arose from within - "I assume that I need to be in work at 9 am - that is why I am suffering". This was followed by the unspoken turnaround:



"I don't need to report to work at 9 am - until I do. I have no control over when reality would have me report to work at 9 am"



"How do I know that the turnaround is truer?"



"Because, it is less painful!"



With that, the suffering vanishes. I realize then that the test for whether a turnaround is truer, is to feel what the turnaround feels like. If it is felt to be less painful, then it is truer!

Internalized Turnarounds?

I was visiting a friend. Her husband TC, was in and he has some nice gadgets that connects to the TV, for playing music, video etc. I wasn't particularly fond of this guy, for I have
known him to be unfriendly and cold, and speaks in short terse phrases devoid of any
warmth.

We were in his guestroom and I was looking at his gadgets and trying to figure out how
to play some music. I pushed some buttons here and there, and nothing seems to work.
All this while, TC was just sitting staring at me without even lifting a finger to help.

Finally he blurted out, "That's not a music player!". He sounded like a robot. However,
I was not the least bit upset by his words. The turnaround came fast, "He should have
said what he said - since that is what happened". It was more felt rather than thought.
And so there was just peace.

At that point, I woke up and found myself at home on my bed. The time was about 7.30 am.
It was just a dream. I was amazed that even while dreaming, I had unconsciously applied
the turnarounds! It then occurred to me that during the waking hours, I had also
been unconsciously doing that - the turnarounds would spntaneously arise to meet
any stressful thought that surfaces. The Work is internalized!

A Night's Dream

I was in Georgetown, Penang walking around somewhere near Light Street or Farquhar Street. Suddenly, I remembered that I hadn't contacted my girlfriend for a long time - weeks maybe. I recall that we have not been on good terms lately. I love her a lot and miss her dearly. Fear arose in my heart that maybe she no longer wants to be with me and could have found someone else. My heart sank as I began to think of looking for a phone.

Quite suddenly I woke up - I was lying in bed and the time was around 7.30 am. It was just a dream. My girlfriend is my wife and she is at that moment having a bath. What relief I felt!

It occured to me then, that even while sleeping and dreaming, thoughts still arise and when I believe them, it causes suffering. And I also notice that, to the mind - there is no difference between the waking state and the sleeping state. The mind, with its childlike innocence is so gullible - it belives what it thinks. In sleep, the mind believes the thoughts that arise and the same thing occurs in the waking state. If I do not question my thoughts, I have no choice but to believe them - even in this waking state.

All my suffering is caused by believing those thoughts which are untrue. And they are untrue - only most of the time!

Mistaken Time

I was lying down in bed. It was early and I had gone to bed late the night before. I could faintly hear the rain outside. The curtains were drawn and I could not see outside. The bedroom was faintly lit by early morning light. It felt early - maybe 7.30 am. It was a Sunday morning and for me, it is not a working day. I was awakened by my 4 year old son making some noise trying to get everyone else to wake up. I felt a slight irritation - thinking the thoughts "It's so early, only 7.30 am or so - he shouldn't make so much noise - I need my sleep - I feel so tired -I should get up from bed only at 10 am or later...". Believing my every thought, I felt really tired. My mind sought all evidence it can, to prove that I was tired. I felt the heavy weight of my body, the half-drowsy awareness, and irritation at being awakened by my 4-year old at such an early hour.

At that point, my elder son, who is 10 years old asked "What time is it?" I lazily reached for my handphone to check the time. And to my amazement, I saw that it was already 10.30 am!
At that very instant, all my tiredness magically evaporated! My mind no longer believes that it was 7.30 am. The irritation also left. And suddenly, I felt renewed vigour as though I have had a good nights sleep. I had no problem getting up from bed.

This is remarkable, I thought. Believing my thoughts can actually manifest all my stressful feelings. And how the mind seeks evidence to prove what it believes. And I go through life each day believing all my thoughts - most of them false thoughts - and how much suffering that has caused me.

Contraction and Expansion

This is follow-up to the last blog entitled "A Story of Conjunctivitis". Whenever the turnaround "I accept this ", "It is OK" arises, it is compared to the feelings. If the turnaround is on point, the feeling of suffering vanishes. What also happens is a relaxation, or, expansion, or letting go. It is both a physical sensation as well as a mental one. The muscles in the body relaxes as the mind lets go and expands. The mind expands into the pain and the suffering dissolves. Peace.

Suffering is a contraction into resistance - resisting the pain. And contraction is both a mental and physical phenomena. The mind entertains thoughts (mostly unconsciously, in my experience) like "I hope this pain will be over soon", "I don't want this". And the muscles in parts of the body tenses.

Freedom from suffering is a total acceptance of the pain. The mind stops resisting it, expands and the body relaxes.

The Story of Conjunctivitis

I came down with conjunctivitis a few days ago. The onset was rapid. The day before, there was just mild itchiness and by night time, there was severe redness and swelling. And it was very painful. Tears were flowing freely. I was in suffering. And because of the feeling of suffering, I knew that I was believing an untrue story that my mind was telling me. I searched for the thought that was untrue. It was difficult, because, the pain and suffering was overbearing. I could not find a single clear thought that I was believing in that might attribute to this suffering. I allowed myself to feel the pain in its fullness. I suspect that there was an unconscious thought that I do not want this pain. And so, I did the turnaround "I accept this pain" and I tested the turnaround against the feeling of pain and felt the pain fully. And quite amazingly, the pain stopped being a suffering! The pain was still there, but it was not a problem, it was ok! I then went to sleep with that acceptance of the pain.

I sense that there were two ways that I could relieve pain. The first was to disown the pain. I was aware that I am here and the pain is there - i.e. the pain is not mine. I am that which is aware of the pain. But, somehow, I feel that this method is not quite right, since, the suffering comes back when I step back into life. The second method was to embrace the pain without resistance - and I believe this is what all the Advaita teachers, including Byron Katie advocate. And I sense that it is a truer reflection of reality. In reality, there is no one who is aware of the pain, there is only pain. Whenever there is someone who is aware of the pain, it is the ego - which is denying and resisting the pain. When I do the turnaround, "I accept this pain", the ego which is "I" disappers - there is no one left to resist it - and hence no suffering.

I awoke a few times in the night with suffering and each time, the turnaround arose "I accept this pain", or, "This pain is OK", and sometimes "This is OK". Each time there was a resistance to the pain, the turnaround neutralized it and removed the suffering. I could sense that, if I entertained thoughts like "I wish this pain to go away", or, "I hope to be well soon", that caused a lot more pain. On the other hand, if, I allowed the pain to be, by the thoughts like "I accept this", "It is OK", the suffering vanishes. I seem to merge into the pain and become one with it - and there was no suffering - just a peace.

The next morning, my eyelids were glued shut by thick yellowish discharge. I groped my way to the toilet and dabbed water and waited a few minutes before I could open my eyes. The eyelids were badly swollen. The pain was intense as I tried to open my eyes. The turnaround came quite quickly "I accept this pain, it is OK". That immediately removed resistance to the pain. Over the course of 2 days, I developed fever and body aches and each time there was suffering, the turnaround arises automatically "I accept this pain" and the thought is compared with the feeling and that cause the suffering to go away. It is the thought merging into the feeling.

The technique is, look for a turnaround, feel it. If the suffering is still there then, it is the wrong one. Look for another turnaround, and feel it again. If the suffering vanishes, then you have found the right turnaround. For me, this works well for unconcious beliefs - in those situations where the stressful thoughts are not so clear.

The Mind merges with the Heart

I am sitting and lying back at home on a large high-backed office chair. The wind is blowing in my face. It is pleasant and nice. My body feels tired and heavy. The thought arises "I am very tired." Another unspoken thought arises "Is it true" - it is felt rather than heard - almost imperceptible. The thought is effortlessly compared with the feeling in the body. The mind seeking its truth in the heart. The result - the first thought "I am tired" is now not so credible. A third thought follows "My mind is tired" - and is again compared with the feeling. And is felt to be truer. It merges with the heart dissolves in it.

Road Rage?

This morning, as I was driving to work, a black car tail-gated me. The road was too narrow for me to allow the car to overtake, so I had to tolerate the driver. I felt a surge of anger arise. The thoughts that was playing in my mind was: "He should not drive so near my car." I then deliberately stepped on the acclerator and sped up to increase the gap between the black car behind me and my car. I was going really fast and my heartbeat increased. When I almost reached my office, the road widened and the black car was able to overtake me. Thereafter, I felt bad and regretful. "I should not have lost my cool," I thought. "The car should not have tailgated me."

Then, I did The Work mentally as I walked from the carpark to my office. "I should not have lost my cool". I asked "Is it true?" I felt inside what it was to believe that thought and it felt horrible. Then, I did the turnaround: "I should have lost my cool - because that is reality - and I am suffering because I oppose reality". The unpleasant feelings of regret and anger evaporated!

Then, the thought arose "I shouldn't have driven so fast" and the feelings of regret and anger came back. Immediately the turnaround arose in my mind: "I should have driven fast - because that was what happened" - and the unpleasant feelings left.

It was so simple and clear. I could sense that with the stressful thoughts: "I should not have driven so fast" and "I shouldn't have lost my cool" - there was a lot of suffering - painful feelings.

And at the same time, I could also sense the alternative thoughts "I should have driven fast" and "I should have lost my cool" - whereby the painful feelings were non-existent. And I did not have to do anything, the mind clings onto the less stressful thought almost automatically. The Work is self-working!

I always like less suffering and all I need to do is point my thoughts in the right direction and it follows the path of least-suffering. Incredible!

Do I want to be right or do I want peace? I say, forget about being right - go for peace!

Taking the wrong road?

After work, I got into my car and drove to my wife's office to pick her up from work. In a haste, I turned into a highway and after a few minutes ran into a massive traffic jam. I could see a thought arising "Oh no, I should not have taken this road". And almost immediately, I could start to sense the arising of an unpleasant feeling. It felt like regret, irritation, hopelessness and a hint of self-loathing all in one. I then found a turnaround: "I should have taken this road." "How do I know that?" "Because I did take this road". The thought hit me that I was arguing with reality when I believed the thought "I shouldn't have taken this road". At that point, it was clear that I could actually choose to believe the turnaround and when I did, the unpleasant feelings left!

After a few slow movements on the road, I found a side road and I took it. After a second turning, I turned into another road and realized that I had taken another wrong turning. The thought "I shouldn't have taken this road, I should have turned the other way" arose again. And again, the unpleasant feelings followed. Almost immediately, the turnaround came "I should have taken this road - because the reality of it is - I did take this road". And the unpleasant feelings vanished!!

Mistaken class

I was working on my PC in my office, preparing a Lab Exercise on programming to be given to my students in the lab. The lab was supposed to take place at 4pm. I casually cast a glance on the wall clock and saw that it was already 3.40 pm!



To my horror, I began to panic. The exercises are not completed yet and I also needed at least a few hours to run through them all on my Visual C++ compiler to make sure they work. Unpleasant feelings swept over me.



Then, I suddenly realized that the lab was supposed to be tomorrow! Immediately there was instant relief. A heavy feeling was miraculously lifted. And I realize then the truth of what Byron Katie teaches - that we suffer when we believe an untrue thought.



I sufferred when I believed that the lab was at 4 pm today, but, when I realized my mistake, I did not belive anymore that the lab was to be on today. And with that, all the unpleasant feeling also left. Amazing!



I also tried to re-imagine and to re-believe that the lab is to be on today. But try as hard as I might, I could no longer make myself believe the lie again. Byron Katies says that truth is like that - once you have seen that the snake is actually a rope, you can never again make yourself believe otherwise.

Introduction to my experience with Byron Katie

So far I've read Byron Katie's Books: "Loving What Is" and "I need Your Love - Is It True".
I've also listened to the 6 CD audio set entitled "Your Inner Awakening" also by Byron Katie.
And also watched all her videoclips on You Tube.

At first I was skeptical about Byron Katie's The Work. I've studied Eckhart Tolle, Tony Parsons, Nisargadatta Maharaj, Ramesh Balsekar, Wayne Liquorman , the Ashtavakra Gita and the Sedona Method.

The three Teachers which resonates with me most are Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle and Tony Parsons. Among the three, Tony Parson's is the purest form of reality - no concepts, nothing. Eckhart Tolle introduces quite a lot of concepts, but his teaching on living in the present moment rings true for me. However, Byron Katie is the only teacher who teaches that we should deal with thoughts and not just ignore them. How true.

I could achieve stillness by being present in the now (as per Eckhart Tolle), or, by seeing that this-is-all-there-is (as per Tony Parsons), but that is only good so long as I do not interact with other people. Once I start to meet people, the stillness is lost. The thoughts come back and along with the thoughts, the feelings also come back. That is because, when meeting people, I need to think in order to hold a conversation. I can't talk without thoughts.

I have applied Byron Katie's the Work quite successfully and found much decrease in suffering.
Thoughts scream to be heard, and unless we have neutralized them, suffering comes whenever a thought arises. The way to neutralize is to see the lies in the thoughts. My feelings guide me as to when I am wrongly believing a false thought. We need to deal with the thoughts until they let go of us - I see that now. Thoughts cannot be ignored.